How can I make it through the day Without you You have been so much a part of me (and if you'll go) I'll never know what to do How can I carry on my way The memories When all that is left is the pain of my history Why should I live my life today I cannot live out on my own And just forget the love you've always shown And accept the fate of my condition Please don't ever go For I cannot live my life alone Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away How can I make my dreams come true Without you You were the one who gave love to me (And don't you know) You are my fantasy I cannot live out on my own (I can't do anything at all) And just forget the love you've always shown And accept the fate of my condition Please don't ever go For I cannot live my life alone Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away

Monday, October 30, 2006

Haruka's Musings

haaaayyy... tagal ko nang hindi gumagawa ng fanfic.... nami-miss ko na....

It was raining. There's a storm coming up, outside the window and in Haruka's

Haruka woke from a terrible dream. She couldn't quite remember but she could
feel her body shaking under the thick covers of her bed. Looking outside the
window beside her bed, she realized it was still mid-afternoon. The gray light
from the sky offered little comfort even as it tried to squeeze in from the half-
opened blinds. She decided, even if it's her preferred orange-red rays of the
sunset, there is nothing to comfort her right now.

'Where is Michiru?' unexpectedly, tears began to fall from her eyes. It always
got her confused and scared every time she cries this way-- unexpected,
attacked by a surging amount of loneliness brought by a series of images and
memories in her head. It's the image of Michiru, the ghost of her presence
broke her down. Haruka defintely isn't a crybaby. But Michiru almost always
does it.

When Haruka covered her face with the blanket as she cried, she could feel
Michiru's arms around her. She heard her asking what's wrong. She heard her
soft hushing. Haruka slowly raised her head above the blanket and saw Michiru's
face right in front of her, blue-green eyes full of concern. She could feel her
lover's hands cup her cheeks, thumbs running over her eyes to stop the tears
from flowing. There's a small smile in her lover's lips, urging her to do the
same. Haruka looked at her lips, never pale with its natural pink and looking
soft, but not more than they actually are. It never fails to amuse her that
Michiru's lips often looked like they were about to melt and true enough, they
feel the same upon her own lips.

But before she could get too excited, the vision was gone. Haruka wanted to
feel those lips. She doesn't want to feel the lust, rather the love that'll comfort
her now scared heart.

It was only three days ago when Michiru asked her of her greatest fear. They
were lying side by side on their bed in their little apartment. At first she didn't
know how to answer. "I already answered that question, didn't I?" Haruka said.
She wasn't the type to answer such questions and sometimes finds it

"Yes, but I want to know again," Michiru insisted, her mouth almost forming a
small pout.

"Well... before we became a couple..." she saw the excitement in her maiden's

"Ok, so your reason now would be something related to me."

"Umm... yes, maybe but not quite. Before, I was afraid of not being able to
bear a child," Michiru joined her at the last phrase. Of course she knew, she
told her before. "But now..." she paused for a moment, allowing herself to think
while scooting closer to Michiru. God, how she loves just being close to her,
feeling her warm body next to hers. "I'm afraid of being alone. I don't want to
be alone anymore."

Michiru was all she needed to calm her nerves these days. She longed for her
presence beside her after more than a week of not seeing each other. They
were so used to being together and being away for so long has been quite
painful, though Haruka wants to make herself believe that she could manage.
She's a strong woman, isn't she?

She wants to believe that it must have been her disturbed hormones at this
time of the month that makes her extra depressed over matters. She was just
like that and it disgusts her that a natural phenomenon could leave her

Like now, she lies on her bed still wearing yesterday's clothes. Haruka
attempted to still her shaking and go back to sleep. Her head throbbed but she
couldn't will away the voices in her mind. Michiru is far from her physically and
yet, in her heart, she also felt the distance. Sure, they had seen each other
three days ago. She was glad. She was relieved. And all she wanted was make
the best out of the opportunity that they were given.

But Michiru was tired. She wasn't able to sleep the night before and her body
chose to rest on the comfortable spot that is their home. She couldn't blame
her, though she wanted to for not sleeping enough when she knew that they
would meet each other the next day. She let her have her sleep and watched
her, guarded her. Haruka felt Michiru's steady breathing. Moving a stray wisp of
a hair aside, she studied her hair, cascading smoothly around her face and on
and on the pillows.

She hugged her, breathed in her natural scent that she loves. She once decided
that she smelled of pancakes. Michiru didn't really like that. Haruka closed her
eyes and then she decided that her lover smells like a river. In her mind, she
could picture a narrow river, almost like a creek, flowing around rocks and
green grass. Several dragonflies fly at the grass field and on the waters, going
on with their grazing, undisturbed by a presence amidst them. The late
afternoon sunshine warms the breeze and gently, Haruka could feel the wind
embracing her. The image reminded her of a similar place in her childhood
where she used to go every afternoon to feel the stream of water around her
ankles, to watch tadpoles, to find adventures and sometimes, to escape.

Michiru was tired. Too tired and sleepy to even notice her new haircut, or her
new pair of shoes. Haruka was quite terrible for the past months and she
thought, she has to improve something in her even just a little. She ought to
make up. She tried not to think about Michiru's not noticing these things. Not
until she's started dropping her off unceremoniously on the phone and on

She doesn't like the feeling of being not okay with her lover. Or the mere
thought that Michiru is not okay. She tried asking but she was replied by a
dismissive, "Nothing". She tried not to push further and irritate her more. She
decided, she'll wait for a while. But not without saying that she's already hurt.
Sad and hurt.

Haruka's cellphone rang loudly in her ears as it alerted her of an incoming
message. Her heart suddenly jumped and for an instant she hoped it's
Michiru... and yet it scared her. She got the phone from under her pillow and
when she looked at it, her heart dropped. It wasn't her. She looked at her phone
for a while and hoped and prayed that the next message would be coming from

The truth is, she fears the day that Michiru leaves her. She doesn't want to be
alone and she knew that Michiru is the other half of her soul. How can she ever
survive without her? How can she live another day without loving her, or even
thinking about her? How can she lose her life?

Tomorrow, Haruka hopes that everything will be alright. Michiru's voice echoes
again in her ears, "Ssshhh... everything's going to be alright..." And as Haruka
slept again, she whispered in Michiru's ears, "Everything's going to be alright,
honey... Don't let go. I love you..."

Saturday, October 28, 2006

lies! all damn lies!

natipuhan ko lang mashadong gumawa ng blog ngayon kaya makikigaya sa blog ni Precious. ahehehe... walang magawa amp!

C You're wild and crazy (hindi naman. pag-hyper lang)
E You have a nice ass (WISH!!!)
C You're wild and crazy (kapag may tumatawag lang sa wild bitch. bwahaha!)
I You get hyper easily (kapag nakikita ang taong gustong-gusto ko na makita)
L You live to have fun (...)
I You get hyper easily (kapag nakasobrahan sa diet coke o isang litrong coke regular)
A Damn good kisser (hay salamat may totoo rin... kapal!)

A Damn good kisser (sa asawa ko lang)
N You are absolutely beautiful (ok, end of the world na. haha! kailangan ba talaga yung 'absolutely'?)
G You never let people tell you what to do (it's not NEVER)
E You have a nice ass (FYI: wala akong pwet kumpara kay Ana Valenzuela)
L You live to have fun (sana nga ganito lang ako mabuhay)
I You get hyper easily (sabi ng pangalan ko, hyper ako)
N You are absolutely beautiful (eto ang totoo: You are absolutely ...ful. lol)
E You have a nice ass (waaaahh!!!)

Ang masasabi ko lang, puro kasinungalingan to. Pero gusto ko lang mag-comment. harhar! gotta do something worthwhile!!!

mahirap magbenta ng sarili

magbenta nga ng sariling laman, mahirap na eh. Ewan ko ba, nakaka-depress lang isipin na magpaka-pokpok dahil wala namang bibili sakin.

Mahirap gumawa ng resume. ahehe... kailangang maglabas ng ego at isipin ang kamumunting kakayahan sa ugat--kung meron man. Kailangan ko pa bang isulat na marunong akong mag-Korean kahit super bano ako dun? Pati sa Spanish din? At sasabihin kong Excellent ang English skills ko kahit na hindi ko naman talaga sigurado ang pamantayan ng salitang 'Excellent'.

Patay-patay ako sa goals. Nung naisip ko yun... napatanong ako ng... ano nga ba? Siyempre malamang tatanungin ako kung san ko nakikita ang sarili ko ng 5 years time. Sasabihin kong nakikita ko ang sarili ko na may kotse at condominium. Tapos tatanungin ako kung pano ko yun matutupad. At sasabihin kong, umm... sasali sa Game Knb? At mauulit na naman ang nangyari, tatlong taon na ang nakararaan. Goodbye C&C.

E ano nga ba? Haven't really thought about that. O siguro meron. Umm...

Mag-iisip muna ako.

pain intolerant?

Kanina, sinubukan ko lang gumawa ng blog na ala-narrative, pang-creative writing class. ewan ko ba, wala na yatang dugo ng creativity sa ugat ko. parang tanga. tapos may--after 2 years yata--ay may nag-review pa sa fanfic ko at gusto raw niya yung Haruka's Choice at ituloy ko raw. Wahaha! Well, I admit, ako nga nagustuhan ko yung pagkakasulat ko dun sa last chapters eh. San ko ba hinugot yung galing ko dun?

Kahapon kinagat ako ni Sheri si braso. Nakita ko pa nga e. Pero wala lang. Tiningnan ko lang siyang gawin yon. Tulad ng dati, pinansin ko na naman kung gano kapantay-pantay ang ngipin niyang nakabakat sa balat ko kumpara sa ngipin kong sungki-sungki. Napansin kong para ngang mejo madiin yung pagkakakagat niya kasi ilang sandali pa eh hindi pa rin nawawala yung pagka-pula nung kagat niya. Tinanong naman niya 'ko kung bakit daw hindi ako nag-react nung kinagat niya 'ko. Sabi ko, "Hindi naman masakit eh".

Akala ko lang pala yon. Nung gabi, masakit na sha. Mahawakan lang ng konti, kumikirot na. Konti lang naman yung naiwang brown na pasa--halos hindi pa nga pansin. Pero masakit talaga pag nahahawakan. Kahit daanan lang ng konti yung balat, masakit na siya.

Tapos naisip ko, ganon nga siguro ako pag nasasaktan. Sa una, sige ayos lang. Ok lang, makakangiti pa ko. Mapapatawad na kita agad bago ko pa maramdaman na Ay, masakit pala. Gago ka a! Kaya ayun... payn. May magagawa pa ba ako? Alangan namang magpapatawad ako tapos magagalit. Kaya ayan, bitter tuloy ako. Haha! Mga hindi nalabas na sama ng loob.

Pero pansin ko nga ano, parang konti-konti ako masaktan. Wala akong one big blow tapos wala na. Move on. Ako yata move-on agad, bearing the burden along the way. Hirap noh? Haaaayy.... Issues! Issues! Bwahahahaha!! Ayan, bitter amapalaya tuloy.

Maiba nga ako. Nagpa-manicure at pedicure ako kanina. Ayoko nga sana kasi inaantok ako at ginising ako ni mama mula sa isang panaginip na nalimot ko na. Ang tense ng muscles ko lalo na binti, tsaka sa pwet. Para akong umupo ng matagal pero hindi naman. Gusto ko ng masahe!!!!!! Pa-masahe naman... pu-lis?

Balik dun sa pagpapa-manicure... nasugatan pako ng 2 beses. Nag-ala-nail polish pa yung dugo. Ay basta. Sorry ha, mejo stupid, pero lagyan ba naman ng nail polish yung sugat ko?! Ang hapdi talaga!!

Monday, October 23, 2006


ewan ko ba kung bakit yung iba kung i-pronounce ang 'trabaho' ay 'tarbaho'. wala lang, observation lang naman.

naghahanap ako ng trabho. kahit one-shot raket lang. kailangan ko lang ng pera. haaayy... pera!! pahingi namang pera o...please? o cge, wag mo ng i-suggest ang pagp-pokpok. kasi wala namang bibili sakin! so ano? may alam ka ba? magt-tatlong oras nako naghahanap eh. hirap ano, lalo na sa tulad kong wala namang skills.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


"for every little thing u hold on to, u gotta let something else go..."

-status message ni Mary, at natamaan ako... nasaktan.

gusto kong pumunta sa Dumaguete.

what am I to do?

I don't know what to do. I'm torn.

If I try to please the one, the other won't like it. If I please the other, the other one won't like it either. Pleasing myself would be a compromise--I want to keep both. Hindi ba pwede yun? Masama ba maging masaya? Oo nga, siguro nga alam ko na ang sagot diyan.

It's a perpetual conflict that I cannot resolve even if I spend my whole life trying.

I've always been a person who believes in compromise. I want to make things meet in the middle. Pero sabi nila, ang mga nasa gitna raw ang unang nasasagasaan. Haaayy... I know I have to choose whether I like it or not. I thought going to Korea would be the biggest decision that I have to do in my life. I chose--and I was wrong. Olats lang talaga ako pumili. Wala akong pag-asa sa deal or no deal.

Sabihin man na kalokohan, sana nga maging milyonaryo rin ako.

So ano? Deal? or No deal?!

Monday, October 16, 2006

survey... walang magawa

1) Single, Taken, or Crushin?
>> Taken

2) Are you happy with where you are?
>> OO

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
>> hindi. gradually...

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
>> opo... :(

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
>> wala. diyosko naman, ayoko ng cheater!!!

6.) Would you ever take back a cheater?
>> no. i have my pride and i know my value as a person. i cannot keep a lover who have no respect in me.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
>> yes

8) Do you want children?
>> yes

9) How many?
>> 4

10) Would you consider adoption?
>> yes... pero ayoko sana talaga. gusto ko anak namin.

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?
>> umm... for me, as long as i can feel the sincerity. look at me in the eyes, hold me, then tell me. i like flowers din siguro. di pako nakatanggap nun eh.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
>> oo. haha!

13) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
>> hindi po

14)Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
>> oo naman!

15) Do you believe that you can change someone?
>> i thought i can. pero i found out that it doesn't work that way. kusa shang magbabago at magco-compromise dahil sa pagmamahal niya sakin (at suggestions perhaps). hindi ako dapat mag-demand ng pagbabago.

16) If u could get married anywhere where wouldit be (money's not an option)?
>> actually, anywhere. God, I just want to be married!

17) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
>> yes

18) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't?
>> dati cguro

19) Have you ever broken a heart?
>> yes?

20) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
>> oo naman!!

21) Is there anything you want to say to your ex?
>> wala naman akong ex