Haruka's Musings

haaaayyy... tagal ko nang hindi gumagawa ng fanfic.... nami-miss ko na....
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It was raining. There's a storm coming up, outside the window and in Haruka's
heart.

Haruka woke from a terrible dream. She couldn't quite remember but she could
feel her body shaking under the thick covers of her bed. Looking outside the
window beside her bed, she realized it was still mid-afternoon. The gray light
from the sky offered little comfort even as it tried to squeeze in from the half-
opened blinds. She decided, even if it's her preferred orange-red rays of the
sunset, there is nothing to comfort her right now.

'Where is Michiru?' unexpectedly, tears began to fall from her eyes. It always
got her confused and scared every time she cries this way-- unexpected,
attacked by a surging amount of loneliness brought by a series of images and
memories in her head. It's the image of Michiru, the ghost of her presence
broke her down. Haruka defintely isn't a crybaby. But Michiru almost always
does it.

When Haruka covered her face with the blanket as she cried, she could feel
Michiru's arms around her. She heard her asking what's wrong. She heard her
soft hushing. Haruka slowly raised her head above the blanket and saw Michiru's
face right in front of her, blue-green eyes full of concern. She could feel her
lover's hands cup her cheeks, thumbs running over her eyes to stop the tears
from flowing. There's a small smile in her lover's lips, urging her to do the
same. Haruka looked at her lips, never pale with its natural pink and looking
soft, but not more than they actually are. It never fails to amuse her that
Michiru's lips often looked like they were about to melt and true enough, they
feel the same upon her own lips.

But before she could get too excited, the vision was gone. Haruka wanted to
feel those lips. She doesn't want to feel the lust, rather the love that'll comfort
her now scared heart.

It was only three days ago when Michiru asked her of her greatest fear. They
were lying side by side on their bed in their little apartment. At first she didn't
know how to answer. "I already answered that question, didn't I?" Haruka said.
She wasn't the type to answer such questions and sometimes finds it
embarassing.

"Yes, but I want to know again," Michiru insisted, her mouth almost forming a
small pout.

"Well... before we became a couple..." she saw the excitement in her maiden's
eyes.

"Ok, so your reason now would be something related to me."

"Umm... yes, maybe but not quite. Before, I was afraid of not being able to
bear a child," Michiru joined her at the last phrase. Of course she knew, she
told her before. "But now..." she paused for a moment, allowing herself to think
while scooting closer to Michiru. God, how she loves just being close to her,
feeling her warm body next to hers. "I'm afraid of being alone. I don't want to
be alone anymore."

Michiru was all she needed to calm her nerves these days. She longed for her
presence beside her after more than a week of not seeing each other. They
were so used to being together and being away for so long has been quite
painful, though Haruka wants to make herself believe that she could manage.
She's a strong woman, isn't she?

She wants to believe that it must have been her disturbed hormones at this
time of the month that makes her extra depressed over matters. She was just
like that and it disgusts her that a natural phenomenon could leave her
vulnerable.

Like now, she lies on her bed still wearing yesterday's clothes. Haruka
attempted to still her shaking and go back to sleep. Her head throbbed but she
couldn't will away the voices in her mind. Michiru is far from her physically and
yet, in her heart, she also felt the distance. Sure, they had seen each other
three days ago. She was glad. She was relieved. And all she wanted was make
the best out of the opportunity that they were given.

But Michiru was tired. She wasn't able to sleep the night before and her body
chose to rest on the comfortable spot that is their home. She couldn't blame
her, though she wanted to for not sleeping enough when she knew that they
would meet each other the next day. She let her have her sleep and watched
her, guarded her. Haruka felt Michiru's steady breathing. Moving a stray wisp of
a hair aside, she studied her hair, cascading smoothly around her face and on
and on the pillows.

She hugged her, breathed in her natural scent that she loves. She once decided
that she smelled of pancakes. Michiru didn't really like that. Haruka closed her
eyes and then she decided that her lover smells like a river. In her mind, she
could picture a narrow river, almost like a creek, flowing around rocks and
green grass. Several dragonflies fly at the grass field and on the waters, going
on with their grazing, undisturbed by a presence amidst them. The late
afternoon sunshine warms the breeze and gently, Haruka could feel the wind
embracing her. The image reminded her of a similar place in her childhood
where she used to go every afternoon to feel the stream of water around her
ankles, to watch tadpoles, to find adventures and sometimes, to escape.

Michiru was tired. Too tired and sleepy to even notice her new haircut, or her
new pair of shoes. Haruka was quite terrible for the past months and she
thought, she has to improve something in her even just a little. She ought to
make up. She tried not to think about Michiru's not noticing these things. Not
until she's started dropping her off unceremoniously on the phone and on
cyberspace.

She doesn't like the feeling of being not okay with her lover. Or the mere
thought that Michiru is not okay. She tried asking but she was replied by a
dismissive, "Nothing". She tried not to push further and irritate her more. She
decided, she'll wait for a while. But not without saying that she's already hurt.
Sad and hurt.

Haruka's cellphone rang loudly in her ears as it alerted her of an incoming
message. Her heart suddenly jumped and for an instant she hoped it's
Michiru... and yet it scared her. She got the phone from under her pillow and
when she looked at it, her heart dropped. It wasn't her. She looked at her phone
for a while and hoped and prayed that the next message would be coming from
her.

The truth is, she fears the day that Michiru leaves her. She doesn't want to be
alone and she knew that Michiru is the other half of her soul. How can she ever
survive without her? How can she live another day without loving her, or even
thinking about her? How can she lose her life?

Tomorrow, Haruka hopes that everything will be alright. Michiru's voice echoes
again in her ears, "Ssshhh... everything's going to be alright..." And as Haruka
slept again, she whispered in Michiru's ears, "Everything's going to be alright,
honey... Don't let go. I love you..."