i'm doing this again

I'm doing this again because I feel the need to let it out. My chest is hurting and I am burdened.

A friend of mine, died. I wasn't very close to her and I only knew her through some late night hang-out. Pig-outs and chats. She was so fun to be with I could just listen to her talk all day -- I mean listen to her and Sheri talk all night. haha!

She is my first friend to die. I had grandparents and an uncle who died but didn't matter much because I wasn't really close to them. But she... I saw her glow and I walked with her and laughed with her. I shared sentiments with her and shared how we had all been achievers in school.

Laven, how were you able to bear the sufferings in COCC, the torture, the trainings, the pressure... and then give up on life? Pardon me, I know that's a stupid question.

I understand the intense pressure on yourself, despite everything. I wish there was something that could have opened your eyes a little more on how much you are loved. How you could have opened just a little, so we could take your bearings. So we could share and bring them with you. All those who love you, never a second thought for you, Laven.

It's so hard to think about you and I wish I could stop the image of you from coming to me over and over again.

I don't want to think of how I would be able to take the deaths of others.

Looking back at this blog, I saw one of my entries and became afraid. I was too depressed I also wanted to die.

Is to die a sign of courage or weakness?

Laven, I wanted to shake you and slap you. I'm almost afraid to think, to imagine that you regret what you did when you finally got the chance to think about it.

You were and still very much loved. We'll miss you...