mornings are supopsed to be about sunshine

ironic that every morning is about endless nights and un-sheltered winters. cold, draining... every morning is about frustrations, loneliness and desires to run to long distances where nothing nothing nothing

i'm doing this again

I'm doing this again because I feel the need to let it out. My chest is hurting and I am burdened.

A friend of mine, died. I wasn't very close to her and I only knew her through some late night hang-out. Pig-outs and chats. She was so fun to be with I could just listen to her talk all day -- I mean listen to her and Sheri talk all night. haha!

She is my first friend to die. I had grandparents and an uncle who died but didn't matter much because I wasn't really close to them. But she... I saw her glow and I walked with her and laughed with her. I shared sentiments with her and shared how we had all been achievers in school.

Laven, how were you able to bear the sufferings in COCC, the torture, the trainings, the pressure... and then give up on life? Pardon me, I know that's a stupid question.

I understand the intense pressure on yourself, despite everything. I wish there was something that could have opened your eyes a little more on how much you are loved. How you could have opened just a little, so we could take your bearings. So we could share and bring them with you. All those who love you, never a second thought for you, Laven.

It's so hard to think about you and I wish I could stop the image of you from coming to me over and over again.

I don't want to think of how I would be able to take the deaths of others.

Looking back at this blog, I saw one of my entries and became afraid. I was too depressed I also wanted to die.

Is to die a sign of courage or weakness?

Laven, I wanted to shake you and slap you. I'm almost afraid to think, to imagine that you regret what you did when you finally got the chance to think about it.

You were and still very much loved. We'll miss you...

almost imploding

This morning sucks. Actually, this week is starting out wrong. I hate this. Well, Sheri has been having a hard time. She didn't have enough sleep, she was sick and she still has a hurting wound from an allergy. But damn, those things don't give her a right to talk shit on me. She knows that I hate it when she does that. I don't like to be talked down. All my life I've been receiving verbal bulls and I've become so sensitive. I don't do that to other people and I don't think I deserve that. I told her I hate it but she just couldn't control herself. Damn it damn it damn it. And if I get mad, wouldn't I be faulted of not being strong enough to understand that she's not feeling well? I'm not asking her to be alright and happy. She can be grumpy if she wants but just don't take it on me and talk like I'm a stupid person saying nonsense.

Damn it. Why do I always have to be strong?
I know I need to be and I have enough pressure on myself. I just seem calm, composed and indifferent but I'm not. I don't want people pushing my back. I need motivation, yes, but I don't need to hear that I don't have plans nor ambitions. Fuck fuck fuck. I want to collapse. I feel that I need to do tons of things and I don't know where to start. That's why I hate thinking a lot at the same time. I like getting the general overview of what I need to do and do one step at a time.

Argh! I hate pressure. I'm not motivated now. I'm just pressured, stressed and unmotivated, thinking that I need to do a whole lot of things... that I cannot do immediately.

And if I'm sad or angry, I just get silent. Don't I have the right to at least do that? It's enough that I don't get a "Is something bothering you?" but don't give me a "What's your problem? You're being moody again." It's enough that I don't get encouragements but let me be. I hardly get a listening ear anymore. Moreso makes me think that I'd be a burden. So being silent works for me. Sleeping. I don't want to laugh right now. In fact, I want to cry. Release some stress probably.

weebee

I'm back. I'm bored.

Today, I'm unusually sleepy. I hate enough rest I know but I still feel so sleepy. My head feels light and I could hear the bed calling out to me. I still want to do a lot of things like talk to my honey and do whatnots. This week has been very tiring. She's been going on OT and it makes me miss her so much. She misses me too. The weather isn't helping too since it's been cool and rainy, the bed's really a comfy place.

I want to go home now and sleep with my honey beside me.

here again

Wow... it's really been a long time since I've visited or written in this God-forsaken blog. I've red some of my "recent" entries and almost forgot that I can actually write sometimes compared to nowadays. I blame it to the 'illegal websites' policy at work and I also blame it for my own laziness when I'm at home during weekends.

Sometimes, I don't wanna write my feelings and my thoughts anymore.
Sometimes, I'm scared of being wrong and hurting people.

wala

walang pera!!!

joke: You got what you wanted but then you just ain't good enough: you feel like you don't deserve it at all

God is the funniest man I've ever known.

humor: Whenever we get bitter, my father buys me Nai Cha. mmm... bittersweet


eto na naman ako sa blog ko. tatae na naman. malapit ko na nga tong palitan ng "tumataeako.blogspot.com" ewan ko ba.

Ayun... lam ko malaki na ang pagkukulang ko sa maraming tao sa paligid. I've ignored most of the people. I want focus. Pero wala pa rin. Kulang pa rin. Kulang na kulang.

I am sure, hindi ako sanay. Hindi ako nagsasawa. It's always a happy feeling every time. Every time, I still feel lucky. Sometimes, I feel unworthy. I look into a wonderful blessing and I always thank God. Sometimes I ask why. I always hope. It's always a wonderful feeling. It's never normal.

Maybe it's that. Maybe because I was always amused. I was always trigger happy. I was always wide-eyed. And the time that I failed to look so, everything crushed. Was that it?

I knew. But what could I do?

Peter Parker said, we always have a choice. Sometimes, I feel that I don't. Maybe Peter was being utopian. Because he HAD a choice. Did Flint/sandman have a choice? Was there time to think of choices? His daughter was dying. He had no money. Probably he didn't have any job. So he robbed. That time when he shot Peter's uncle, was there time to choose? It was an accident, dammit. He was pushed, he accidentally pulled the trigger. Could he have stopped that? Was there a choice? He did what was right when he had the choice.

What is my point? Ewan. Di ko rin alam.

When certain words are said, sometimes, I feel that I've done nothing right. Every thing crumbles in front of me.

Sometimes, we find no choice but to crumble.
Sometimes we know yet we cannot do.
Sometimes we just can't help it.
Soemtimes, I just don't know what to do anymore.
You said, maybe there's nothing that can be done.

I know I'm bad. I couldn't help it. And I have no choice but to crumble.

What do I do?
I know I'm a threat but I can't let go.

Horoscopes are jinxes.


counter (ng ego): Maybe I always do them and they are not appreciated anymore. It's usual. It's expected. It's not new anymore. Nakakasawa na. I've become so redundant. It's not true na nagsasawa ako.

counter-ego: It's my fault for just not making everything new. For doing the same things over and over. For doing what was expected.

And if I change to break monotony, "I've changed".

What do I do?

Sometimes, what do I say do not matter. So go ahead drawing your own conclusions. And I accept. And I am sorry.


God gave is grace. God gave a gift of salvation. Then we are all reminded that we are sinners and we do not deserve what is given. Thus we have to be eternally thankful. The blood on the cross makes us guilty, don't you think? I do not know about the law of heaven and hell. I do not know why there existed such agreement that Jesus had to become human and shed blood for the humans to be saved. Why can't God just blast the devil down and lock hell forever? Why is the devil allowed to snatch souls? Why is hell allowed to expand its territotry? Why can't it all be ended fast and quick so no additional souls have to suffer? I do not understand at all.

Why are we given a choice between the good and the evil? Sometimes, we do not have a choice but to do bad. Why can't we have no choice but to be good?

Maybe because sometimes, we need to see the bad to appreciate the good.
Sometimes, when we see the bad, we don't see the good.



Then maybe, I'm altogether wrong.
Maybe I do not understand at all... anything at all.