summer fireflies

I just have to live with the fact that I will never be enough...

"According to Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium,...In ancient times people weren't just male or female, but one of three types: male/male, male/female, or female/female. In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. Everyone was happy with this arrangement and never really gave it much thought. But then God took a knife and cut everybody in half,... the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their missing other half."

How can I make it through the day Without you You have been so much a part of me (and if you'll go) I'll never know what to do How can I carry on my way The memories When all that is left is the pain of my history Why should I live my life today I cannot live out on my own And just forget the love you've always shown And accept the fate of my condition Please don't ever go For I cannot live my life alone Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away How can I make my dreams come true Without you You were the one who gave love to me (And don't you know) You are my fantasy I cannot live out on my own (I can't do anything at all) And just forget the love you've always shown And accept the fate of my condition Please don't ever go For I cannot live my life alone Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away Say you'll never go Say you'll never go out my way Say you'll never go For we can still go on And make it through Just say you'll never go Say you'll never go away

Saturday, April 15, 2006

yes, i know

I am an intelligent woman. I know the answers to my questions. I know what I want. I know what I want to be. I know what I want to do with my life.

I know what I want this very moment.

But I can't.

Wow. Accomplishment. I've finished the Undomestic Goddess. I don't know why but I can relate. Dahil hindi rin ako marunong magluto? Hehe... perhaps. I thought, how does it feel to throw away one's life for something that you wanted so bad? Like love? How could she have thrown a 6-figure income in one of the most prestigious law firm? How could she have thrown what she ever wanted since she was thirteen? They say it was crazy. My mind says it was crazy. But she was happy.

Why can't they make both ends meet? She can be on top of her career and at the same time, Nathaniel can have his dream come true in Cornwall. Here I am again, being my ideal self. But I know that that can't be true. One just have to choose. It's either here or there. Why does it have to be that way? Oh well... man can't truly have everything that he wants.

If only I can have the assurance that I can have the other while I sacrifice one, I'd be glad to. Hehe... not the risk-taker, that I'm not. But I guess it'll be too late. The mind races faster than I can ever act. I've told myself to stop. Stop! Stop! Stop! And the more I think about stopping, the more I want to go. I told you, I have to stop thinking.

BRAIN FOR SALE: SLIGHTLY USED

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Reprieve

Cold winds chill the bones
Icicles pierce the heart
Freezing rain drowns the soul

A cherry blossom smiles
Amidst the plains of snow.

On another Sunday Afternoon

Your palms and mine,
finger to finger
folded in a smooth linkage
of ins and outs
lines crisscrossing,
overlapping,
connecting.

Now, I feel half-empty.

Sa Pagtatapos ng Panahon ng Niyebe

Natutunaw ang yelo
mula sa kabundukan
at ang hanging dala nito
sa kapataga'y tila malamig na yakap
sa aking pagal na katawan.
Nasan ang mga bisig mong
magbibigay buhay
sa katauhan kong natigilan
sa gitna ng lugar kung saan
ang lahat ay walang pangalan?
huminga ang kabundukan
at malakas ang bulungan
ng luntian sa kapaligiran,
ngunit di mahihigitan
ang tahimik mong bulong sa aking tenga
"Halika" sabi mo,
at sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata
at sa muling paghinga ng kabundukan
magpapatangay ako
sa pakpak ng aking puso
patungo sa kweba
ng 'yong mga yakap.

Hearing... not

I opened the doors greeted by alcohol
It invited me further inside
To the corner
Where you sat
Nursing a glass of gin

The speakers vibrated
Like the pounding of my heart
I ran from the house
Three floors down
Three blocks on the road
Trying to catch you

Bottles clinked like bells at the next table
in cheers to celebrate a corporate secret:
the Boss still in tie just got hooked up
with the secretary bearing the biggest boobs
(Let's split up)

Smoke disperses in the air like the memories
of the warmth of our palms together,
fingers intertwined,
my head resting on the hollow of your chest
our last and first kiss
(Get your hand off me)

Sisig sizzles from the plate
electric jolts numbing my legs
(Take your chocolates home)
Men laugh showing off their tonsils

Still sitting still on the chair across from you
Staring at your finished glass of gin
Finished, not a single frop left
(Did you say something?)

I heard nothing but the
clicking of the latch
as the door closes.

Parting

sitting on a bench
my hand inching to reach yours
holding you tight
and with head low i said,
'stay'
but your eyes wander off
to the birds in the orange sky
flying off the horizon
my tears kissed the ground
as you free yourself from my grip
without so much as a goodbye
you fly away
and i'm left sitting still
embraced by the Baguio winds of December.