think, Cecil, think!

YESTERDAY

I slept right after class and never left the bed until this morning when I had to drag myself up once again. I think I went down with slight fever. I'd filled my head with either air or words of "Para sa Masa". Don't know why it stuck. Guess it's the most neutral song that my mind can come up with. I consciously turned myself into heavy-repression-mode and it made my head ache-big time. I avoided writing even when my muse begged me to. Just told her to shut up a while and let me rest. I was tired. The day before (wednesday), I cried and then slept at 3 am. Then (thursday) I had role play, lab test, cold wind, boring lit class, ate crap, slept, woke, and read books just to repress myself some more until i'm dead tired so I can sleep again.

When I came here, I'm half myself. I left my better half back home. I woke up on some mornings knowing exactly what's wrong with me, what's different and perhaps, why. I know, somehow, I am not me anymore. This is not me. This is so unlike me. I feel like an anime character being used by a lousy fanfiction writer who put me in an OOC-mode. Somehow, I know that I'm that lousy writer.

At this point, I feel like a slave who's sick and tired of my master's constant whipping; and I just want to quit. But being a slave that I am, I know that I can't.

I was wrong. I'm angry. And bitter. It was too much even though I know that you found it necessary. It was just necessary to spank me over and over again to wake me up from what you call dreams. I cried. But after I've hit my head, I just stopped. I stared blankly at the light. Tears had stopped flowing and it sure seemed like everything stopped. My mind stopped and my heart also did. I felt like I was stripped of everything that I have. I wanted to scream but it was all in my head. I was numb and I just wanted to rest. I don't want to think anymore. I've thought so much, it hurts. But it seems like I have to keep on thinking till I become the rational one once again-- the one who seems to know what's right and what's wrong; till I become again the one who I've hated for being a living dead.

My head throbbed painfully and I felt a small chill. But still I refuse to sleep lest thought haunt me again and again. Dead tired. But I just have to keep on reading, fill my head. Ate a half eaten bread on the bed and I couldn't even bring myself to throw away the plastic. I couldn't even stand up to drink even when it felt like chunks of bread were blocking my airway. Read, Cecil, read.

Repression's killing me, making me lose my sanity. I don't talk because no one's here to listen. My mind is so noisy that I can't sleep even as my body collapses. Tama na... shut up already! Shut up!!!

TODAY

Suddenly I became trigger-happy for a while, becoming excited about Korean's 1 year old birthday celebration. We were thought how to sing Korean's version of the "Happy Birthday" song. We watched one of the teacher's child's birthday video. Babies are the cutest! I was imagining Ms. Kim's children's first birthday. Wish she'd bring photos on Monday.

Went to Insa-dong--alone again. I'm so alone (please Ana, don't ask me for people because there is none. Marian went to Church because it's Holy Friday). I jusy have to go and tire myself by seeing that place which my tutor adviced me to go. Lots of Korean souvenirs and handicrafts. I know now what to give my mother and Ana and Karen and Sheri and Precious! Yay! But of course it would be nicer if I have a good camera and friends with me. But I blocked all thoughts of being alone for that time. Haha! talk about repression once again.

putangina! putangina! putangina!! sabi ko na nga eh ayoko na mag-internet muna. kaya eto sinasaktan ko na naman ang sarili ko. putangina, i have to close my email right away. putangina! ayan na! ayan naaaa!!! putangina! no! no! no!!! ay tangena talaga tong buhay na to. stop! shut up!! shut up!! shut the hell up! tama na!!