"oh my god, i should have a boyfriend"

sabi yan ng isang looking sophomore sa UP na nakasabay ni Phoebe sa jeep.

sabi niyo nga, should we have a boyfriend? shempre ang sagot niyo, OO.

di ko alam. ano ba ang love? what does love mean in the first place. or does love has any meaning at all? love is such an undefinable word because it's so subjective. what does love mean for me then? i don't want to answer. i'm afraid that the moment i try to define it, the meaning will disappear. and besides, i don't want to be cliche. o baka gayahin lang ng iba yung meaning ko, maging cliche pa. haha!

but it's a wonderful feeling. kahit one-sided pa yun. sabi nga ni sir Galan, why do we love despite the fact that in the end, one would get hurt? it's because the feeling is good while it's still there. so ano, parang get the most out of it... while it still lasts.

yun nga eh. making the most out of it. let's make the most out of it, okay?

gusto kong magpunta sa Dumaguete. maganda raw dun. sabi sa 'Odd Girl Out' na book (find it in national bookstore--chicklit sha) there's always the moon in Dumaguete. Why do I love the moon? Is it because of its mystery? Its poetic potentials? Or is it just because I fantasize of the Moon Kingdom where a ceratin Princess Serenity exists? Where a queer kind of love is acceptable...

The moon is ever changing, and so is love? it is ever changing, sometimes its invisible and yet you know it's there, just there waiting for the perfect timing to wax.

ang tanong, lagi na lang bang new moon?

hehe...

anyway, sabog ako. last saturday, panic na panic na ko sa buhay ko. hindi lang sa nagkanda-leche leche ang trapik sa baha at ulan tapos hindi pa ko nakapunta sa acquaintance, hindi lang sa may potangenang nagsabi sa nanay ko na hindi raw ako pumasok nung umaga kahit pumasok naman ako, kundi dahil nakaka-panic na ang buhay ko. biruin mo, wala pakong thesis na papasa na sa 18 pero heto pa rin ako at inuubos ang buhay ko sa pagb-blog? sabi ko noon hindi ako makahanap ng oras para mag-blog. ngayon ang oras na dapat wala akong oras pero eto. cge, blog pa rin ng blog. tangena talaga ako. bakit ako ganito?

kailangan kong mag-aral at grumadweyt. siguro naf-frustrate lang ako kasi kailangan ko ng pera. napakarami kong excuses sa buhay. kesyo i need a vacation and i need a lot of rest. puro rest na nga etong ginagawa ko pero pagod pa rin ako. kailangan ko sumali sa game knb? OI naman mga peeps! parang awa niyo na! samahan niyo akong sumali sa game knb? !!!

i am sad. terribly sad of the future. it is so unclear, between you and me. because you refuse to pin down the words. because you refuse to promise, to stand in conviction. i am afraid of what your dreams contain and of the thousand possibilities that contain in it... those possibilities, it seems that you are very willing to try. why? the feeling is confusing and yet i content myself in the present, in the feeling that is so good, save the pains for later, i tell myself.

the question is, 'do i need a boyfriend'? the turtle told me once that i need a good boyfriend because i hate men. i hate men for their lies and their stupidity. i hate men for their egos and their penises. i hate men and i feel like i don't need a man to "seemingly" throw me up to the heavens only to tell me later that all is one damn joke.

anyway, men don't like me. so why should i like them?

"Men laughing showing off their tonsils" --- them Ma'am Guevara said, "it's very obvious that you hate men", saying it as if she really knows for a fact that I hate men.

haaayy.... i don't like men. Their penises are devalued by dildos. (not that i know how either feels. but still... was that Paris Hilton who said that she wasn't able to climax until she used a dildo?)

bakit nga ba napunta ako sa dildos?